getting to 420

Tip for anyone else stupid enough to try something like this: Don't fix something you heat up and inhale through with super glue. I may never get to use my INAVAP again. Guess it must have been time to clean the threads of the stem, because instead of unscrewing the bowl from the stem, the stem unscrewed from the base, leaving me with my weed trapped in the sealed bowl plus stem combination.

Tried a few things to get them apart then went looking for wrenches. Couldn't find any anywhere in the whole house. Did run across more than one Rush Limbaugh book on the shelf, however, which gives me serious pause about my relationship. Some people freak out finding porn or whips, but what really gives me the willies is hostile hate mongering pundits who think they're better than everyone else.

Finally bravely ventured forth to the garage to get my tool set. Rusty and dusty, but they work. Got the pieces pulled apart then cleaned the bowl threads somewhat and hoped for the best. Just to be on the safe side, I decided to stick a couple drops of super glue down in the threads of the parts I didn't want to come unscrewed again.

Or so I thought. Turns out that super glue releases super toxic fumes when heated. I took one hit off the vaporizer and oh so quickly realized my mistake. It was just air, but it was hot super glue-ized air. I hit the sink retching and dry heaving for over a minute trying to calm my whole body freak out down.

After that I decided it was probably best to let the super glue try to burn off before hitting it again, if ever. I parked it under the exhaust fan and resolved to forget about it for awhile. Sure did stink, though. Luckily the house already was a brain bomb from the bleach I'd sprayed on the shower spots earlier. How convenient to get all the headaches focused in one day instead of being spread out over several.

Meanwhile, this all happened when I was trying to medicate because I was feeling nauseous in the first place. Probably from the bleach. Or not eating. Or something. Okay, so what's the backup plan?

Aha! Oh yes, let's whip out my handy dandy Vaporstar, which basically converts a bong into a vaporizer. I get it all together, go to take a hit, then my lighter won't cooperate. You've got to be kidding me. And where is my lighter fuel? Out in my car, of course. Down the block. In the cold. And me in my pajamas. Great.

Okay, fine. Time to take that trip to the store for toilet paper that I've been delaying till today. And lighter fuel for the super awesome butane lighter that just ain't doing the trick today. And deodorant – I'm running low. I decided to go to Trader Joe's for the TP and deodorant because I didn't feel like driving all the way to Whole Foods, which I knew would have the brand I like, or at least the type. Brand doesn't matter so much, but I do like the liquid rock roll-ons because they actually neutralize the bacteria that causes odor rather than just covering it up.

I'm dying to medicate but decide to wait until I get to the store and do it in the parking lot. I get there, load my happy little car bong.... and can't find a lighter. Because of course, I'd taken it out of my purse to use upstairs in the kitchen earlier. Cripes. You've got to be kidding me. Fine – I'll go into the store, get my stuff, and see if maybe there's a remote chance that they sell lighters.

I grab the one offered variety of toilet tissue then step two paces to the left only to stare disgusted at the sole brand of deodorant on display – Tom's of Maine. Bar, not liquid. No thanks. Didn't even bother to look for lighters. Put the paper back on the shelf and walked back out.

On the way I remembered my Click a Toke pipe. Oh holy life saving device, don't fail me now! My new favorite stealth toy, I've named her my Blue Bic because she looks like a big pen. Not only that, she's an all in one self contained unit. One click, and you're toking. And I did, and it was wonderful.

If you haven't seen this thing in action, it's pretty cool. The bottom (black) part is a refillable butane lighter. The middle colored chamber is empty, and the top one is where you very lightly pack the herb and suck through the black rubber nub. I've found it's better to load small bowls and dump them frequently, otherwise it starts tasting pretty ashy after about three or four hits. It's my favorite on-the-go device so far.

I swear I think better once I've medicated a bit. I've never thought of myself as being ADD, but I certainly do have a tendency to spin and be scattered. The pot really brings me back to present and centers me one one thing, while relaxing me enough to let creative solutions flow.

Calm now, I decide to go back into the store, get the toilet paper, and order the deodorant online. In bulk. So I don't run out and have to drive to Whole Foods ever again. Not like I'm a hoarder or anything. Mission TP accomplished, I grab some new lighters and a can of butane to keep in the house from a drugstore on the way home.

The super glue is still fermenting strong inside the ceramic heater. I decide that maybe it will be happier outside for a couple days and start trying to find a way to defumigate the house. There isn't very good window circulation, and it's fucking cold outside. I think my only real shot at neutralization is to bake something stinky later before the photo party tonight. Probably not gonna happen.

I still haven't eaten. I sliced up some oranges that were so stale they were rock hard. They taste fine as long as I don't try and eat all the dried out fiber stuff. But even sliced, they are still so not keyboard friendly. I can't even venture a guess as to how long they're gonna sit there, but I'd be willing to bet that I get something easier to eat first. Maybe. Yup - canned peas it is. And then pretzels. Mm, healthy.

After taking care of the super glue stink, I used my cool new wind resistant torch lighter to get my Vaporstar going again. In a way I think I actually like it better; I only use it as my backup because I think it smells more than the ceramic vaporizer (when it doesn't have super glue in it). And that's the whole point of the exercise – making damn sure that He can't smell it – otherwise the whole deal is off and I'm back to smoking in my car two blocks away again. I'm not hiding it from him; just being appropriately considerate because he can't stand the smell. Which is unfortunate, because it's a very difficult substance to keep from stinking.

Eventually, I'd like to get something truly portable like my Blue Bic, but with less stink. Unfortunately, I'm not ready to drop down hundreds of dollars on a top of the line portable vaporizer just so his nose isn't offended when we go out.

That's why I'm on the quest to find the best vaporizers I can for the amount I can afford to spend, which so far has been in the very low price range. After I get a little ahead, however, I think I am going to order myself a VaporGenie and see how that works out. I can't decide whether to go with the traditional wood looking one or to pick one of the purty shiny colored ones. Which would you get?